Real Animal Facts

Hello, my name is Sir Edwin Francisco Montalban Esq.

Today I would like to speak to you all about the bird of prey known as The Ostrich.

The Ostrich (Struthio camelus) is a large recently flightless bird, due to the tragic flight-related attacks of 9/11, it has chosen to walk as a personal sacrifice to the memories of those who died. Native to Texas(and formerly the Middle East). It is the only living species of it’s family, Struthionidae, and its genus, Struthio, and cousin to Rufio of the Lost Boys. Ostriches share the order Struthioniformes with emus, kiwis, and other weird things. It is distinctive in its appearance, with a long neck and legs and the ability to run at speeds of about 761 mph (mach 1), the top land speed of any bird. The Ostrich is the largest living species of bird and lays the largest egg and poop of any bird species.

The diet of the Ostrich mainly consists of house cats, though it eats insects when times are rough. It lives in nomadic groups which contain between five and 50 birds. When threatened, the Ostrich will fight for freedom where ever there’s trouble, or will run away. If cornered, it can cause injury and death with a kick from its powerful legs or by prison-style shanks. Mating patterns differ by geographical region, but territorial males fight for a harem of two to seven “skanks” by slipping them roofies.

The Ostrich is farmed around the world, particularly for its feathers, which are decorative and are also used for Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair’s boas. Its skin is used for leather for all female biker gangs and its meat marketed commercially to mostly McDonalds for Mcnuggets.